Jim's Weird Day: Words Without End
by Bob McDob
Summary: A really scary and perverted story (in more ways than one) from the creator of Fred Luo's Magical Chocolate Weapons Factory(!) [I've created a monster...]


Jim's Weird Day: Words Without End

A freaky story, plain and simple. I repeat: THIS STORY IS EXTREMELY WEIRD. Even more so than MCWF. Proceed at your own risk to sanity. Everything here is ripped from various things that I don't own, so Please Don't Sue Me. Please? ^_^ Okay. On with the show!   
  
  
  


Bob McDob   
Presents   
Jim's Weird Day: Words Without End   
A Magical Chocolate Weapons Factory spin-off 

This was originally the sequel to MCWF. I reworked it into THIS lousy thing. Tell me what you think.   
  
  


"GENE! MEL?" The younger half of Starwind & Hawking strolled into the kitchen. And stopped. Everything seemed...larger somehow, yet he couldn't put a finger on it. He shrugged and walked on. 

It took him several moments to notice he wasn't actually going anywhere. He glanced down at the floor and suddenly realized the tiling was eight feet wide. Apparently the entire kitchen was stretched way out of proportion, warped to fool the eyes. Sweatdropping, he continued on. And on. And on. 

THREE HOURS LATER 

Jim panted as he reached the far side of the larger-than-usual kitchen. The fridge was somewhat bigger than expected. Understandable, considering it was three stories high. Jim grew a sweatdrop the size of North Dakota, but continued on. Privately he wondered where the fridge had come from, and how much it had cost. 

He continued forward, cautiously. A good idea, as just then a portal appeared on the fridge and a red sports car burst out doing eighty. He could swear there was a penguin at the controls. 

Jim passed out from dehydration. 

When he came to several minutes later, he continued on. The portal was still open. It was about two meters high, blue, and made a sound like leftovers from holiday dinner that's been in the back of the fridge for four years. If you ever found out what that was like, you'd never eat meat again. Unless you were either a Hindu or insane like me, in which case you already shun all cow-based products excluding milk, cheese and Potato Salad ice cream 

What does this have to do with the plot? Absolutely nothing! 

It's COMMERCIAL BREAK TIME!!! 

>>>>>> 

(Shot: Fred Luo is standing in an Ice Cream parlor, holding a cup of ice cream) 

Fred: What do Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe, and John F. Kennedy have in common (besides being dead?) They all hated Really Crappy Ice Cream! 

Elvis Impersonator: I like it! 

Fred: Shut up, you're dead. (Pushes El Vis out of picture. A loud scream is heard, followed by a Ka-THUNK!!!) 

Fred: There! Now let's get it ON!!! With it, heh heh. 

(Extras stare at him) 

Fred: What?!? I'm Blatantly gay! I have to say things like that so people know I'm a FRICKIN' **** HOMOSEXUAL!!! 

Anonymous Aide: Calm down, Mr. Luo - 

Fred: (turning to camera) AND WHAT'S THIS WITH ALL GAY PEOPLE BEING LOOSE!?! I HATE IT!!! WE'RE JUST LIKE ANYONE ELSE EXCEPT WE LOVE PEOPLE OF THE SAME GENDER! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!? 

Mysterious Shadowy Director: I don't like this. It's turning into a South Park derivative. 

Fred: You know what? Why don't you SHUT YOUR F****ING YAPPER!!! 

(Fred promptly gets crushed by a falling van) 

Extra 1: Oh my god! They killed Freddy! 

Extra 2: You bastards! 

Mysterious Shadowy Director: (Sigh) Cancel the shoot. (Looks at Fred's gratuitously bloody form laying underneath the van) Take the rest of the day off. 

Anonymous Aide: I'll tell him when he comes to. You think people will be mad at us for doing this to Fred Luo? I mean, he's the second most powerful man in the galaxy after Bill Gates! 

Mysterious Shadowy Director: And me. 

Anonymous Aide: (Nods) And you, of course. Still, Mr. Luo is a much bigger threat to your status than that old fossil ever was. I mean, Luo's on -two- TV shows, for crying out loud! 

Mysterious Shadowy Director: So is Frasier Crane. 

Anonymous Aide: Well, yeah... 

Mysterious Shadowy Director: In any case, Cartoon Network will never show Angel Links, so there's nothing to fear. 

Anonymous Aide: Hai, Sensei. 

Mysterious Shadowy Director: Now you see why I am the Master and you are the apprentice. 

Anonymous Aide: The force is strong with you, m'lord. (Looks nervously at Mysterious Shadowy Director) As always. 

Mysterious Shadowy Director: (Glancing at camera) Save the footage. We may yet find a use for it. Perhaps as outtakes from Freddy Got Fingered or something. 

Anonymous Aide: Yes, Master. Is there anything else you desire? 

Mysterious Shadowy Director: Well, there is one thing... 

(Camera spins around to face Mysterious Shadowy Director ) 

Mystical Cactus of the Outhouse: BEANS!!!!! 

>>>>>> 

Passing nervously into the fridge, Jim glanced around. Visible were: a towel, several empty six-packs of Yebisu Beer, a giant spatula, a red and white hamster ball, an issue of Cabbits Quarterly (Fear The Wrath Of The Cabbit! [And Give Ryo-okie A Raise]), a photo of a monkey juggling caster shells, the complete edition of Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut, and Marilyn Monroe. 

"Hi!" said Marilyn. 

Jim blinked, turned around, and RAN LIKE HELL as a chorus of Ooofa Loofas burst into song. 

"LALALALALALALA" 

The Loofas halted suddenly and spun around to face Marilyn Monroe. "Hey, aren't you dead?" 

"Well, yeah, but I was cloned using Secret Genetic Materials provided by the CIA! Ain't it great?" Marilyn winked. 

"Um, yeah. Hey, we're going bowling with Elvis and JFK! Wanna come?" 

"Sure! Oh, look, here comes my friend James!" 

"Hello. I'm the sixth president of the United States" 

[Sorry, Frank De Lima!] 

>>>>>> 

Jim slammed the door to the kitchen, panting heavily. "I think all that Colombian is starting to make me see things", he said, glancing at his three hundred ounce coffee mug. 

>>>>>> 

Meanwhile, several Colombians popped out of Javaspace and beat the author up. 

>>>>>> 

Jim shook his head as he came to. Why was he on the ground? Why was the door behind him bashed down? And why were there Large Rabid Fangirls stripping off his clothes? 

Jim's eyes widened 10000%. Glancing around, he could make out several dozen rabid, frothing fangirls tearing at his clothes, screaming "EEEEEEE! KAWAII!!!!!" and "JIMMIE-KUN!!!!!"   
Fortunately for him, a disoriented penguin chose that moment to fall out of the sky. As the girls temporarily forgot him, Jim stole the penguin's rocket pack and blasted away at Mach 6. 

>>>>>> 

Commercial Break Seq. No. 2 

(Scene: Melphina is sitting in the middle of an Orwellian grim urban center staring blankly at giant screens, along with the rest of the public) 

Melphina: I wish I could have an organic experience. 

Voice: Now you can! 

Melphina: Huh? 

Urge...urge... 

Melphina: (standing up suddenly) I've got the Urge™... 

(Six Super-Deformed Macho Loofas pop into existence and float in mid-air while rubbing shampoo on Melphina) She's...got...the...Urge™...to urbal! 

Entire Crowd: She's got the urbal in the shower! 

Loofas: (using bodies to rub Urbal in) For another half an hour! 

Penguin: Wark! 

(Entire crowd mutates into penguins) 

She's...got...the...Urge™! 

Loofas: Na tu ral Bo tan i cal! 

Crowd: She's...got...the...Urge™...to...urbal! 

(Melphina screams in ecstasy. Image of Big Brother appears on screen) 

Big Brother: WHOA! Get ME some of that! 

Jim: (bursts into scene, wearing clothing snatched from various departments of Sears and wearing a bra on his nose. The door slams shut behind him) 

Melphina: Gilliam, end program. (Scene disappears, replaced with a small gray room) What is it, Jim? 

Jim: Huh? I thought you and Gene were doing it again... (stops; listens) Gotta go. 

(Jim runs off, followed through wall by screaming horde of ten thousand rabid fangirls) 

Melphina: (Looks at damage sadly, shakes head; Thought Police helicopter flies overhead) 

Granny: (in helicopter using megaphone) You don't know what you're missing if you don't try the body wash! 

[It was late and I was tired] 

A sequence of bizarre but unmistakably Chinese characters flash across the screen. 

"HAIPHONGTV now returns to Outlaw Star" 

>>>>>> 

"Okay...there's NO WAY anything can get through there!" 

Jim inspected his barricades, constructed from various kitchen objects and stretching up to the ceiling. And considering the ceiling was ten stories high, that's saying something. Jim kissed Pen-Pen's rocket pack. "I love this baby!" 

Luckily for the plot, a large red spaceship chose that moment to burst onto the scene. Through the door. After the dust settled (and Jim finished wallowing in self-pity), he dug himself out and waited for the grappler arms to quit flailing about like claws on a giant red lobster. He pushed a button on his Remote Keyless Entry System (Standard on the OLS model. Geddit? OLS? Hahaha [gets whacked by three hundred thousand throwing mallets] ouch...) 

"Pabua Sanfa Pabua Sanfa Pabua Sanfa..." 

The hatch clicked open and the RKES shut up, thankfully. Jim stepped into the ship. "Hello? Anybody? Hey, this gives me an idea..." Jim smiled evilly. 

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEERO!" he shouted, and broke into fits of compulsive giggling. "HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ahem". Regaining his composure, he continued into the ship. 

>>>>>> 

Meanwhile, several planets away, a robed acolyte delivered a message to a certain Gundam Wing pilot. 

"Mission...Accepted". Heero pulled his pants up and climbed out of Wing Zero. No, he wasn't doing anything, you sukebi. And even if he was, you'd never be able to prove it! Ha! Haha ha ha ha! Ahem... 

>>>>>> 

A faint rustling sound caught Jim's attention. Lookimg down on the floor, he noticed his Ph.D. in Computer Science from Haiphong University. S he bent down to pick it up, an odd noise fell upon his ear. Jim put his ear to the floor. 

"Oh Geeeeeene...ah...oh GEEEEEEEEENE!!!!" 

Jim allowed himself a tiny sweatdrop as he chugged a gallon of milk. 

Aisha's head popped out of the ceiling. "Got Milk?" Her head disappeared. 

_How'd she get there_? Jim wondered to himself as he walked down the exit ramp. And suddenly found himself face down on the floor once again. 

As he pulled himself up, he caught sight of a rapidly disappearing figure escaping the scene of the crime. Jim was about to say something, but the Mysterious Figure had already vanished with a faint "Trojan Ma-an!" He could swear the guy was wearing spandex. 

>>>>>> 

The King bowled another strike. "YES! I-AM-THE-KIIIIIING!!!" El Vis shouted. 

"Yes, we know that", mumbled one of the Loofas, hefting a red and white bowling ball that was quite large. Compared to him. 

"Shaddap!" the Loofa scowled as he lifted the sphere over his head. Causing it to crash down onto his body and propel him into the pins. 

"Strike!" 

"Feh, I can beat that" the bowler in the next stall mumbled loudly. 

Suzuka glanced at Inuyasha sitting next to her. "Feh? Homer picking up your lines?" 

"Obi Wan has taught him well" the youkai responded. 

As Homer lined up the pins, the loofa's bowling ball crashed into his feet, knocking Homer into Inuyasha's face. 

Suzuka watched the two scream "DOH!" perfectly synchronized. 

"-Really- well". 

>>>>>> 

Her work done for the day, Ryo-Okie headed for the exit. I have -got- to get a different job, the cabbit thought to herself inside the red-and-white bowling ball.   
  
  


-And Now A Word From Our Sponsor- 

Obnoxious Announcer: TENDO MALLETS [A subsidiary of Tendo Enterprises Corp. Inc.] IS PROUD TO PRESENT THE TENDO BOOMALLET! FINALLY A THROWING MALLET THAT AUTOMATICALLY RETURNS! TO YOU! (Watch Return To Me! Now on video) AS SEEN ON TV!!! 

Director: This IS TV, dummkopf! 

Oh, right. TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF OUR SATISFIED CUSTOMERS!!! 

(Akane & Ranma stand before the camera. Akane appears overly enthusiastic while Ranma fidgets with his hands. A caption reads "Mr. and Mrs. Baka Muyo". Underneath it, in smaller letters, says "Not Affiliated with Tendo Corp. In any way") 

Akane: I've been using Tendo Mallets since they first came out in 1854! They've been especially helpful in coping with my husband's many...infidelities. (glares at Ranma) Isn't that right, my baka husband? 

Ranma: I'm not really her husba- 

Akane: (throws mallet at Ranma. It knocks him out of his chair, causing it to crash to the ground as she catches the boomallet in left hand) See how easy it is? 

Obnoxious Announcer: WE'LL EVEN THROW IN A FREE CARRYING CASE ABSOLUTELY FREE!!! (shot of Porta-Potty) ALL FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF 300 THOUSAND WONG!!! Oh, yeah, and it's non-returnable, so don't try to pull a boomerang on us, heh heh. 

Director: (throws mallet at Obnoxious Announcer) ANTA BAKA!?!?! You're not supposed to tell them that! You're supposed to say that they'll only get the free gift if they order within the next five minutes! That way all our gullible viewers will feel an irresistible urge to order right away and make us piles of ¥¥¥! 

Not-So-Obnoxious Announcer: THAT'S IT!!! I warned you about this! I'm calling my lawyer! (pulls out cell phone) Hello?...Hello? Asuka's throwing mallets at me again! 

Shinji: (over phone) I musn't run away, I musn't away... 

Nabiki: (walks onto set) I'll handle it! 

Not-So-Obnoxious-Announcer: Don't you be the president of Tendo Corp.? 

Nabiki: Exactly! Fork over 42 mil and I'll handle everything! 

Not-So-Obnoxious-Announcer: Deal! (hands Nabiki his wallet) Say, you aren't going to take my money and run like the last three times, right? 

Nabiki: (appears shocked) Of course not! Tendo Nabiki is a woman of her word! (slips wallet to Asuka) Take his money and run. 

Asuka: (grins, runs off looking at Camera) I love the irony. About time Nabiki finally paid me back for The Bet! 

Shinji: (over Announcer's cell phone) I'M NOT GAY!!!!! 

Background Voice: Yeah, right! 

Shinji: Shaddap, Nagisa! 

SAMPLE TENDO BOOMALLET OR ANY OTHER OF OUR FINE PRODUCTS! 

Tendo Trainer - (Shot of oversized rubber mallet) For training and beginners. Made of real, genuine rubber from the rubber tree. Not synthi-meat or any rubber imitations. Now even the kids can have their own mallet! 

Tendo M - Hits like a rock and twice as solid. Made of titanium with leather carrying case. For serious fighting, business and heavy construction. 

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(You don't really know, do you?) 

Er, right. ORDER TODAY! NOT TOMORROW OR THE DAY AFTER THAT! TODAY! OR WE'LL SEND SOMEONE TO HURT YOU! WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. WE KNOW WHERE YOU EAT. WE KNOW WHAT YOU SLEEP. SO ORDER NOW! NOW!! NOW!!!!!!! 

(Call 1-999-999-9999 or go online at www.tendocorp.com. Calls are ¥999 per minute)   
  
  
  
  
  
  


Sukebi means dirty pervert. I love that word. ^_^ And yes, all the references are intentional. I think. I'm not going to try to recite all the people whose work I stole. I apologize if I caused them any grief and, for what it's worth, they're free to use my fics in a similar fashion. I'm not making any money off this. ^_^ And, er...R&R! ^_^;;;   
  
  


Extra Bonus At No Additional Charge: Random Fic Ideas!   
(These fic ideas are FREEWARE. That means take them and do anything you want with it. ^_^) 

Gene sings I'm Too Sexy". Jim Hawking's secret life as a cat. Melphina's take on an Urbal Essence commercial. Oops, did that one already. President Luo addresses the nation. Vice President Suzuka and Fred's mysterious "wife" keeps trying to kill him. 

And finally: 

The Phantom of Port Haiphong   
A Variation on Outlaw Star: The Musical! 

Harry McDougall as the Phantom 

Gene Starwind as Raoul 

Melphina as Christine 

Everyone Else in Random Roles to Confuse and Annoy you 

Ridiculously Over the Top Musical Numbers! (Shot of Fred Luo singing "Kung Foo Fightin'". Suzuka leaps across screen) 

Featuring the Climax of Act I where Harry drops the El Dorado on Melphina and Gene! 

(Yes, Haiphong is a real place. It's a port in Northern Vietnam. And it's spelled that way. So THERE! ^_^)   
  



End file.
